By: Aphrodite and Ares
One of the most common questions we get asked by couples is how swingers avoid becoming jealous when they see their partners having sex with someone else. The idea of the swinging lifestyle appeals to such couples and they are very tempted to experiment by attending a swinger party but then the moment of doubt arises.
There have been so many occasions where that moment of doubt turns into a moment of real jealousy that our response to the question has tended to toughen over the many years that we have been running a swinger club and organising swinger parties. If the doubt stems from a deep sense of distrust and possessiveness in either partner, they should probably give up the idea of swinging; at least until they have grown out of it or dealt with its underlying issues.
On the other hand the doubt might simply be just a perfectly natural manifestation of anxiety that goes hand in glove with all the other little worries that people experience when contemplating swinging for the first time. Under these circumstances, anxiety about how they will feel when the moment comes, can be a healthy preparation for what is actually a relationship strengthening experience.
The very personal nature of sex as something only shared with one partner at a time is very much ingrained into us by the conditioning of the monogamous society in which most of us have been brought up. It should be viewed with little wonder that some feelings of jealousy will remain during our first experiences of swinging. If the swinger couple share a healthy and fundamentally trusting relationship however, they will soon overcome these hang ups and actually be able to feel more trust than ever before.
This happens because of the openness that swinging presents. Whereas before a couple become swingers, they can only guess about how their respective partners would be when having sex with another person; afterwards the guess work is no longer necessary. This is a positive thing because it is the fear of the unknown that causes people to react in negative and often self destructive ways. Trust is developed by knowing your partner better, whilst guessing can often be used to avoid knowing them better because deep down one fears finding something they do not want to.
Many of the most experienced swinger couples we have met over the years have told us that their relationship has been strengthened in this way. They also report how the blurring of the distinction between love-making and sex has been cleared for them by their experiences. Time and time again, swingers leaving a swinger party have commented how much fun the party sex was but how their love-making would be enhanced as a result of it when they got home.
Overall then, doubts and fears concerning jealousy are fully justified and it needs to be admitted in swinger circles that there are people who will either never be able to handle jealousy in a partner swapping situation or who are unready to do so at the time they are considering engaging in the swinger lifestyle. For other couples, the concerns are quite healthy and whilst they may continue to experience some jealous feelings from time to time, they will not only learn how to handle them but they will experience a strengthening of trust in their relationship as a result of swinging.