Club Aphrodite
Keys to a Successful Swinger Lifestyle

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Swinger Party Etiquette and 'No' Cues

There is one golden rule that is common to practically all swinger clubs and sex party hosts. It is usually summarised by the simple phrase; 'No' means 'No'.

Happily, swingers rarely need to resort to using the rule, managing instead to communicate their disinterest in less direct ways. Those on the receiving end need to be able to recognise the signals at the earliest possible stage and know when it is time to move on gracefully.

No means No Threesome

Despite not being used all that often, you are probably going to be on the receiving end of the'No' means 'No' rule before you have attended too many swinger parties; especially if you are a single male. This is because no matter how proficient you become at reading the signals, described below, some swingers prefer to use the rule at a very early stage of conversation. For example, a single male hoping for a threesome may walk up to a couple, start a conversation and receive back a, "Thank you but we are only interested in other couples", type answer almost immediately. This is most likely to happen when the couple approached are only interested in foursome partner swapping or softer swinging with couples only. The single male receiving direct rejection of this kind needs to understand that it is not personal; the couple would have done the same to any single male.

Swinger Rejection Signals

In situations other than the type described above, rejection can and should be spotted long before people have to resort to using the 'No' means 'No' rule. There are many swinger rejection signals to look out for; some are very obvious and can be spotted easily, some are more subtle. The obvious ones will only get overlooked if you choose to ignore them because of some misguided hope or vanity that you will eventually prove yourself to be irresistible. Never ignore the obvious signals. At best, you will be wasting your time and you could end up with shattered self confidence and leaving - or even being told to leave - the swinger party.

    Some examples of obvious signals:
  • Obvious excuses like; "We were expecting to meet our friends. Perhaps we should go and look for them."
  • Going to get a drink and not coming back. Never follow in this situation; its the worst thing you can do!
  • Couple partners signalling to each other in negative ways. Many swinger couples have pre-arranged signals to let each other know how they feel about the other couples and singles they talk to at swinger parties. Sometimes the signals are quite difficult to detect but often the negative ones can be as obvious as shaking their heads from side to side (as in the conventional no gesture).

Subtle Swinger Party No Signals

Recognising the more subtle signals and gestures that people use to convey negative messages at swinger parties is a very important skill to acquire. The key is to train yourself to be observant in situations where your mind is quite naturally inclined to stray to other things.

Friendliness and Smiles

It is easy to mistake friendliness for attraction. Most people want to be friendly and for many swingers, the socialising that goes on at a swinger party is almost as important as the sex. To differentiate between friendliness and sexual attraction, check whether the friendliness is supported by at least three other positive signals. On it's own, a sexy smile might have little meaning beyond friendliness but it is a different matter altogether when combined with other signals that indicate attraction. Smiling that is restrained or constantly directed towards other people in the group is always a strong indication of negative feelings.

Postures

Watch out for closed body postures. Someone who is holding their arms close to their body when you are conversing with them is displaying their discomfort and would probably prefer you to withdraw.

The absence of any preening gestures by a woman during a reasonable period of conversation is a pretty sure sign that she is not interested in a sexual liaison. Preening gestures are described in more detail elsewhere in Keys to a Successful Swinger Lifestyle but generally refer to things like playing with hair or adjusting the way clothes sit. If she never preens herself - or only does so in the direction of another member of the group - it is time to bow out and look for opportunities for a threesome or group-sex elsewhere.

A similar set of posture signals to preening are those that involve pointing or directing parts or all of the body towards the object of attraction. For example; if a seated woman never crosses her legs to point a foot in your direction, or if a standing one never turns towards you, your chances of enjoying some swinging with her are probably zero. Equally negative is the constant avoidance of you entering their personal zone (i.e. approximately within a metre of them). In a group situation, someone positioning themselves next to someone else whilst you are conversing with them is also a very strong rejection indicator.

Other Swinger Party No Signs

One of the most erotically charged swinger party body language gestures is performed by stroking exposed parts of the body. Women dressed to thrill in scanty costumes perform this kind of action during the socialising that goes on before any group sex takes place. An even more provocative form of it is often played out by couples when the male partner strokes his partner intimately. The stroking will be accompanied by prolonged eye contact with its intended target. If you are excluded from the eye contact, it means that you are also excluded from any ensuing threesome or other group sex.

Very similar to stroking and often combined with it, is exposure. The woman (or women) expose more of herself to the group but makes eye contact only with those who they wish to attract with the gesture. Once again, if you are not included in any prolonged eye contact, you are not being invited to join the swinging that will follow. Asking to join in or trying to tag along with those who are included is likely to result in a swingers 'No' means 'No'!

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This page is based on one of the sections of our invaluable swinger lifestyle guide: Keys to a Successful Swinger Lifestyle.
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